The Fellowship of the Newbies
by IrisTook
Summary: Not so long ago in a movieverse just down the block 9 Newbie teens are brought into the world of middle earth. How will Kevin, the object of Saurons affections, deal? Will Beth, who hates fantasy films, survive? Is Joey the only one who's read these?
1. Road Trip!

A/N: I do not, nor do I claim to own anything in this fic. Tolkein and New Line rock.  
  
All names have been changed to protect the innocent writer from the dumb person in this fic. background events are sadly true.   
  
Sasha-Real person...read FotR after seeing it to see if the film would be good as a film and not disapoint me when Tom didn't come singing down the road.   
Joey-Real person...read the books JUST in time to see FotR  
Ethan-Real person...I spent the ride home justifying Pippin and Merrys being in the movie  
Beth-Real person...HATES fantasy films and really did get suckered into seeing FotR.  
Mallory-Real person...Hasn't seen FotR but LOVES Harry Potter  
Kevin-Real person...real dumb  
Alex, Tessa, and Dinah...Add-ins for comic potential  
  
And apparently it needs more of a back story. My friend "Ethan" and his friend "Kevin" had a little issue in his blog (web log...online diary) talking about Ethan where Kevin said he was trying to be "THE queer of Harmony( high school)" Then inspiration struck and I told Ethan that Kevin was "The One Queer" like the ring. So Kevy will be as the ring is...indestructable and mildly evil. lol Now that I've ruined the plot. Read on!  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
God bless this bitter cold hell we call winter! Why? Because its Orc Season! Let us hunt some orc!   
  
I read the Hobbit when I was little but those cartoons kept me from reading Lord of the Rings. They went from the Hobbit to Return of the King. Confused much? Yeah so they were avoided but I had always loved those furry footed little guys and the non cartoon elves. The cartoon guys were all blue and potbellied and creepy ::shudders:: So upon hearing they were doing a live action LotR I about fainted.   
  
Who'd they cast? How'd they adjust it? What will the effects be?  
  
That first trailer cleared everthing right up. Elijah Wood as Frodo, Ian McKellen as Gandalf and the skill of the cuts they were willing to show on tv. Oh yeah we can do this. In fact we're doing this opening night baby. I rang up The crew and it was go time. Hump day was never so happy as that day.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
"Ethan man I know your bumming over that dumb ass friend of yours but you have got to enjoy yourself here." I turned down the radio to hear the reply.  
  
"What is this about anyway Sasha?" Ethan asked with the tone that says 'this better be good'.  
  
"Umm...well theres some stuff about a ring of power and cute hobbits and magic and heroism....thats all I need to know." I responded  
  
"So is it kinda like Harry Potter?" Mallory was a Potterhead.  
  
"Wait...this is a fantasy film? Let me out of the car." What was Beths deal was she under a rock this past month jeezie creezie.  
  
"Am I the only one going to see this that has read it?" Joey asked from the backseat.  
  
"Aparently" Ethan snaped, "And I am not 'bumming' I'm pissed. That ass Kevin had to be so two faced and write all that shit in his blog about me."  
  
"Oh gods, what now?"  
  
"He said I'm trying to be "THE queer" at our high school."  
  
"They have a restriction on you guys now? Damn they have gone a bit nazi havn't they?"  
  
"No they haven't put a cap on it that ass is just...an ass." Ethan mummbled into the sunset.  
  
"The assiest of them all. I was joking by the way. Anywho you've got three great hours to forget that loser... not that you can hear me right now."  
  
"Three hours of hell." Beth chimed in.  
  
Ethan continued to mutter, "...I don't want his boyfriend!"  
  
"Three hours might not be enough time." Mallory said quietly enough to slide under Ethans ranting radar.  
  
This was going to be a FUN trip to the cinema.  
  
^.,.^ 


	2. Theater 6 just down the corridor

A/N: I do not, nor do I claim to own anything in this fic. Tolkein and New Line rock.  
  
All names have been changed to protect the innocent writer from the dumb person in this fic.background events are sadly true.  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
We got there early and get our tickets and popcorn readily. Gods bless a small city theater. We girls had leave the boys to....use the euphamism and upon our exit we were greeted by Joey who looks like he's about to lose his mind.   
  
"Kevin's here. Do you know any good defense attorneys? Ethans going to flip and if he doesn't his whining will drive me to it."   
  
Someone had to take care of things and being the one who had organized the group I had to play movie nazi. "If you get us kicked out of Lord of the Rings, so help me god, I WILL harm you. Now just ignore whatever he says and if he causes any trouble I'll get an usher on him alright?"  
  
"Do we even have ushers?" Joey asked.  
  
"Hush up kid. We don't have a partol as such but I can still get the manager or at least the nacho guy so behave...Respect my authority! The film nazi has spoken. Upon penalty of death all depart...and other such quoties."  
  
Of course this was just TOO easy. We took our seats settled in our pop and munchies and the opening credits rolled.   
  
Galadriel (VO)  
I amar prestar aen....  
The world has changed.  
  
han mathon ne nen...  
I feel it in the water.  
  
Hanmathon ne chae...  
I feel it in the Earth.  
  
a han noston ned gwilith.  
I smell it in the air.  
  
"What did she do cut one?" It was Kevin.  
  
Much that once was is lost For none now live who remember it.  
  
"Then how does she know?" and he brought ditzy friend Tessa...joy.  
  
Title: Lord of the Rings  
  
"What a gay name...oh sorry Kevey." Dinah....VERY ditzy friends. That talk....durring MY movie.  
  
Now heres where I stand on this issue.  
  
A simple math equation for the class what do you get when you have 4 foxy hobbits, 1 fine elf, 2 handsome men? Answer a droolfest. Well done there.   
  
Now add a great story, a ton (2000 lb) of talent and kick ass effects and score. Answer: a awsome movie you can drool at while actually being entertained.  
  
Now add 3, (strike that 4 he brought his boy Alex) dumbass people in the theater.....like the people who saw Titanic and DIDN'T know the boat was going to sink type dumb.   
  
Multiply that by 5 normally sane people who either loved the movie before it started, were trying to salvage their day, or hate the said ditzy people and you have.......  
  
"One ring to rule them all."  
  
no you have  
  
"The one queer to rule them all! The Dark Queen!" Kevin errupted in laughter. We couldn't hear the rest of the introduction and just as I was preparing to go get the nacho guy to remove gigglebutt from the theater.  
  
"Kevin....keeeevin...."  
  
"Oh sweet Valar." Joey whispered. "That was the voice of Sauron."  
  
"That's a bad thing isn't it?" Mallory said sinking into her seat.  
  
The theater became bright as the film burned through but when the light had died the 9 were gone from their seats.  
  
For the time soon comes when Homosexuals will shape the fortunes of all.  
  
Title: The Fellowship of the Poof  
  
^.,.^ 


	3. Define the Word "Crap"

Disclaimer: I dunna own nutin LotR related. I throw myself at PJs feet for forgivness after what will happen to his films and at the grave of the great Eru JRRT cause..welllll you'll see.  
  
A/N:I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!  
  
0 .o ^.,.^ Mya! o. 0  
  
"Oi Joey?...Where are we?" Sasha asked as she sat up dazed.  
  
"I think the Shire...I'd say sixty years later." Joey coughed the last bit.  
  
"Later than what and what's the Shire?" Mallory asked.  
  
"I guess since Bilbo came home to the Bag End although it's hard to tell since those morons behind us wouldn't shut up." Sasha answered.  
  
"Again Shire, What?" Beth was already annoyed.  
  
Joey took this one, "Where the Hobbits live."  
  
"Hobbits?" It was Ethan's turn to ask a question.  
  
"Short fellows, furry feet, burrow, 'flabby fat and lazy you walked in a opsadaisy..'Sasha went on singing. Suddenly she stopped. "Ha...ha? Shire? Hobbits? We're in the bloody movie! Holy bad fanfic batman."  
  
"This is bad." Joey agreed.  
  
"Wimps." It was Tessa.  
  
"And sunshire on my shoulder makes me happy."  
  
"Ignore them" Mallory advised.  
  
"Yes let the wraiths get them." Joey suggested.  
  
"Here here!" came Sashas approval. "This is all their fault anyway."  
  
"What's a wraith?" Dinahs voice rang out the nearby shrubbery.  
  
"They're those tree guys." Kevin answered her.  
  
Joey and Sasha: . 


End file.
